Giving Up Control and Making Compromises

Dave’s living situation has been a challenge, and a learning experience, for both Dave and me. One of my challenges is to let go of my wish to have complete control over how he lives. For example, I like a neat and tidy house, so I want his apartment to be orderly and well-kept. He doesn’t agree. His sister defends him – reminding me that he is a bachelor, after all. I rationalize that I have a stake in how he lives because I am involved in managing his affairs. We both have to make compromises and adjust our thinking to make it work.

Where Dave Sleeps

Fairly soon after Dave moved in, we had our first “battle.” After a few months or so, he insisted on sleeping in his living room on a futon instead of his bedroom. It seems to me that if you have an apartment with a bedroom you should sleep in the bedroom! But no amount of cajoling convinced him to do that. I showed him how to adjust the futon to a bed at night. But, of course, he never adjusted it to the couch position during the day, which further frustrated me.

Eventually I gave in and bought him a comfortable bed, which is in his living room. What I would call his bedroom, he calls his “office,” and I can count on him to let me know if I forget to use the correct term when referring to that room! This situation was an early example of how I have had to learn to adjust my own thinking instead of fighting a battle I won’t win.

After Dave had been living in his apartment for several years, I finally found out why he refused to sleep in his bedroom. He had seen a spider. Dave loves the idea of spiders and often studies them using Google’s search function. He especially loves to identify the gender of any spider I have told him about, even though he hasn’t seen it himself. But he doesn’t like actual spiders in his living space. That isn’t unusual, but most of us would not refuse to sleep in our bedrooms if we found one there.

Where Dave Keeps His Clothes

Another area of contention between Dave and I has been where he keeps his clothes. In the early years when his hab aides helped him do his laundry, he would often tell them that he would fold it later. They believed him, but he would never got around to folding it. I often found the clean clothes jammed into the closet.

Several years ago Dave started doing laundry on his own. This was a huge step for us! It reduced the hours that hab aides were needed, and allowed us to afford hab aides from an agency instead of hiring and managing them on our own. But that’s another story for another blog post.

Even when Dave was doing his own laundry, he still couldn’t be bothered with folding. He began hanging them over the backs of his dining room chairs. As messy as it looked to me, he had a method. Each chair held one day’s work shirt and pants. Not surprisingly, I wasn’t happy with that arrangement. It was difficult for others to sit on the chairs when they were covered with clothes.

So, I bought him a clothes rack, assuming (wrongly!) that he would hang his clean laundry on that. To be fair, he did throw lots of clothes on the rack, but these were mostly his Friday the 13th or Undertaker “outfits” (I’m not allowed to call them costumes). I also bought a coat rack. He doesn’t use it for his coat, which still goes on the floor. But he does use it to dry the tie-dye shirts he makes. Alas, up until recently, he was still throwing most of his clothes on the floor in front of the rack, or hanging them over the backs of his dining room chairs.

A Compromise Solution for Clean Clothes

As I mentioned in my post on Trading Card Games, Dave has continued to grow and learn during the time he has been living on his own. Just recently, he spontaneously stopped throwing the laundry over chairs (yea!). He now meticulously folds it and stacks it on his dining room table, where it sits along with the myriad tie-dye shirts he has made, his computer, Yu-Gi-Oh cards, and a box containing a pair of Undertaker boots. He is actually more skilled at folding than anyone I know. Although now others can sit on the chairs, there isn’t much room to do anything at the table. I doubt it bothers him, but, of course, it bothers me.

However, I am not ready to give up. My newest compromise was to purchase shelves where he can put his folded clothes. I don’t think that would be much different from stacking them on the table. Just last week we bought a 9-cube shelving unit. I removed the clothes rack and put it in his “office.” I moved his clothes from the table to the shelves. I wonder if that will work? I was over at this apartment just yesterday and found two items of clothing back on his table. But the corner where he used to pile everything is still clean… for now.

Update: It has been one month since we added the shelving unit for Dave to store his clean clothes. So far, there are no clothes on his table or chairs, and the messy corner is clean, except for his backpack. Success, for now!